It's my party, and I'll be bitter if I want to.

Do you ever go out in public, see a couple, and just feel really crappy about your life?

I work with the public. A big part of my job, the most important part, according to my training, is greeting. I stand at the front door for an hour a day (at least), holding my beads and I say "Hi!" to people and smile. I field their questions, ease their concerns, and hopefully make their day a little better.

At least once a day, I'll put on my brave face, and people will see me dressed all in black and scoff. These people are often new couples buying furniture for their first house together, or old couples looking to spice up their living room. They'll be in their own little worlds and I'll judge what they're wearing.

Corey's fashion tip of the day: Jeans and jean jackets are not "in," nor will they ever be. Especially if the colors/wash clash.

I really appreciate it when couples DON'T make out in public. It's offensive to single people. And it takes a lot to offend me.

One day, I was doing my rounds up and down the front and back ends of the store, making sure everyone had been helped and all was well. I peered into the Mattress Department and found the entire Sales staff just staring at two teenagers making out on one of the mattresses in the far corner. Despite our training which repeatedly emphasized the "family-oriented" nature of our store, they were just gawking and laughing at these kids. They couldn't have been more than 17.

I walked over and said, "Soooo is anyone gonna do anything about this or do I have to?"

One of the salespeople cackled and said, "That's YOUR job!"

The Sales Manager approached, about to take care of it, but I wasn't about to let her have all the fun. This was my party to break up. I went over to the couple and coughed.

The girl looked at me, horrified. Her boyfriend looked pissed that I had cockblocked him.

"Excuse me," I said, "do you guys need help with anything over here? Can I get a salesperson for you? You look awfully comfortable on this mattress, and I thought you might like to buy it?"

"N-no," the girl stammered, "we're okay."

"Great!" I exclaimed. "Well, I'll be at the front of the store if you have any more questions about the store, but if you need help with any more mattresses, feel free to talk to those nice people in lab coats over there." And I walked away. The Sales staff just stared at me. But I could tell they were applauding me in their heads.

You can call me bitter, but in all fairness, we totally could've had them charged with committing lewd acts in public. I thought I saw a hand go into some pants.

My favorite instance of bad PDAs was in Dunkin' Donuts one day. It was about 2:30 in the afternoon, and my shift at work started at 3. I find it very tough to be nice to people anyway, but it's extremely difficult between the hours of 3 p.m. and 10 p.m. without my large iced coffee with extra cream and regular sugar.

I was waiting in line, when the nice Brazilian lady behind the counter yelled, "MAY I HELP YOU NEXT?" And I made my way over to obtain my liquid happy. I ordered my coffee and looked to my right when I saw a sight that I will never be able to un-see.

Two people, tongues down each other's throat. Ratty, frizzy, sun-fried gray hair on the woman, ratty, frizzy, gray moustache on the man. Also, he was bald.

They were wearing these tacky, navy blue raincoats, and they both had black boots on (which clashed TERRIBLY). The coats went down past their knees and they just weren't flattering. I recoiled in horror because of this social/fashion faux pas.

But it made me think:

I spend AT LEAST an hour getting ready every morning. I brush my teeth with whitening paste, give myself a fresh shave, trim my goatee and sideburns... Then I get into the shower and soap myself down from head to toe. At that point, I lather, rinse, and I DO repeat to wash out the excess hair product from yesterday. The shower ends and I get dressed (in color-coordinated clothes), apply deodorant, a fresh spritz of cologne, and style my hair just right. Then, and only then, may I leave the house to greet the day. And I still make it to class/work on time.

In this society, where they say looks are valued and everyone needs to be well-groomed, why am I single and these rejects mackin' it in Dunkin' Donuts?

Well, maybe it's because I'm not the type to meet someone who macks it in a Dunkin' Donuts. But still, it sucks.

Keeping up with the Saunderses

I grew up watching the news. Every morning, Mommie Dearest would watch the Channel 5 News while making sure that my little brothers and I got ready for school. I wouldn't say I was well-informed, because at 7 years old, "The impeachment hearings for President Clinton's alleged affair with a White House intern will go ahead as planned" doesn't mean a whole lot. I was more interested in the adventures of Thomas the Tank Engine, and the runaway Asian children on Pokemon.

Anyway, in this day and age, I feel like there's tons to keep up with. Especially with all the new media, anything and everything is news. I find it very tough to keep track of! For example, I've yet to memorize all of the key members of President Obama's cabinet. The day that President Obama was caught on tape calling Kanye West a jackass, the woman sitting behind him gave him a terrified look.

We discussed this in my Communications Seminar class.

"Did you see the look that chick gave Obama?!" I asked.

The professor looked at me, dumbfounded. "That chick?"

"Yeah, you know, the one who was sitting behind him!"

"You mean the Speaker of the House? 3rd in line for the Presidency?" he corrected me.

"Yeah, her! She hardcore judged him!"

I may not be articulate, but I make my point.

Anyway, I've been noticing that entertainment news and gossip are slowly but surely permeating the regular news. So not only do you get your daily dose of politics and crime, but you also get to keep up on which socialite is showing off her snatch this week.

Personally, I love celebrity news. It's interesting, and you can judge them without feeling bad. Win-win for the judgmental queer boy.

What cracks me up about it is how some people are so out of touch with the news. And how some people don't follow what's going on in the world, but they know exactly what the Kardashians are up to. Or they're so wrapped up in politics and crime, that all they can talk about is how hard the world is and can't talk about pop culture in a social situation.

Every Halloween at my job, the management staff lets the employees dress up in costume.

"Liam, I wanna go as Swine Flu!" I announced. In my head, the idea for the costume was perfect: It's a current issue in America, the idea and execution are hilarious (Pig ears, a breathing mask and a pink shirt), everyone will get a kick out of it!

"Corey," the boss said sternly, "you CAN'T be Swine Flu! What if someone came in the store who had been affected by it? What if one of their loved ones died?"

I really have no compassion for people who can't take a joke.

I went home that night, where Mommie Dearest and I discussed my costume conundrum. I mentioned that I had also pitched going as Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson. But my co-workers dismissed the idea as too esoteric.

"Coah," my mom started in, "that's insane! Some people are so out of touch with what's going on in the world! Like, there are people at work who don't watch the news. I don't get it! How can you not know who Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are? They're in the news all the time!"

ummm.