'Ello, Gov'na'!

"How do you get into these situations?" my co-worker asked me the other day.

I was stumped. Lately, I've been asking everyone I know if they've been asked to sign release forms, because I'm convinced that I'm Jim Carrey on the Truman Show... My life's a reality show and I don't know it. It makes sense... I wouldn't be surprised if there were producers pulling the strings and telling people to start shit with me. It makes for great TV!

Let's rewind.

I made a new friend recently. If you haven't noticed from my stories, I only hang out with girls. Ever. So I was stoked to start hanging out with an actual gay guy. Someone who can relate to me, someone who'll talk about cute boys with me and it's not weird 'cause he's not a straight girl. I slept over at his dorm a couple months ago when this happened...

"Wanna go to a dance party?" he asked me a few days before we were to see each other. "My friend really wants us to go."

I was psyched. We had a movie marathon planned, but I have a short attention span. Obviously other activities were necessary so he didn't discover my tendency to fidget like a five-year old when forced to sit for long periods of time so close to the beginning of our friendship. He also trusted me enough to survive in a social situation with his friends. This, along with the party we went to a few weeks prior, was a "friends-test." And God damn it, I was gonna pass with flying colors.

The night of the party, I found myself in the living room with Ben and his roommate, Jenny. We were watching "Little Miss Sunshine" while eating hot dogs wrapped in dough. I was expecting the food to be craptastic... I've never enjoyed a hot dog more in my life.

But I digress. Slowly, the friends started to trickle in. Ben's friend Rich brought his roommate Zach with him. Zach speaks with a British accent, but is not from England.

...Okay.

Then Shaina, Ben's friend from high school, and her semi-boyfriend Matt showed up. We did introductions, as I was the odd one out, and eventually we were off to the party. I was surprised to see Zach want to go, because he passed on the last party, citing a big history test to study for. On a Saturday night.

...Okay.

Eventually, 5 of us piled into my car. Ben sat up front with me, and Jenny, Rich and Zach seated themselves in the cramped backseat of my Mustang Convertible. Stylish (except for the gold color and white top), but not ideal for transporting large groups of people. My iPod played Rob Thomas's "Lonely No More," a personal favorite. Ben and I sang along, not paying attention to what was going on in the backseat.

"It's rathah crahmped in heah," remarked Zach, getting out of the Fagmobile. "Jenny, I've become rathah well acquainted with the right side of you."

I kept my mouth shut. Ben knows that I have a bad habit of judging people to their faces, but I opted to keep it under control. I was in unfamiliar territory and had to play this just right.

We entered the party house, and kids I had met at the last party remembered my name! It sounds trivial, but it made me feel really welcome. From there, we made our rounds and ended up in the room with the black light. I chatted with Jenny while Ben danced in the middle of the floor, the life of the party.

Next thing I know, some skank who no one at the party knew except the host waltzed into the room, clad in nothing but red heels, a pearl necklace, and a red dress which barely covered her ass. And everyone else was wearing a casual shirt and jeans. Awkward.

Some people fall in love at first sight. I judge at first sight. And this girl was TOE. UP. We didn't get to the party until 11, and she had obviously arrived much sooner... and taken one too many swigs from the jug in the kitchen labeled "DEATH PUNCH!"

Super Skank then proceeded to start grinding on the boy who brought me to the party. The rational side of me said, "Corey, don't worry about it. He's gay and obviously won't leave with her tonight." But the jealous bitch in me started screaming, "STEP OFF, WHORE."

Ben looked at me with terror in his eyes. "Help me," he mouthed. I usually can't read lips, but the message was loud and clear: Girlfriend was trying to get laid and didn't care who did her. Before I could get over there, she got down on her knees. My friend, the homo, later recalled, "I could feel her teeth on my belt."

I approached the scene of the crime and Ben started to dance with me. Skanky McWhore took the hint and went to the other end of the room where the party's host was standing. She threw him up against the wall with as much force as possible and stuck her tongue down his throat.

With that crisis averted, the dancing continued and I let go of all of the stress and drama I left behind in Framingham. That's when Ben decided he would perform his rendition of the "Single Ladies" dance. As a shameless attention whore, I admire other shameless attention whores. And this display of attention whoring was the best I've seen in a while.

We then retired to the kitchen, where Ben was cornered by 3 girls he went to high school with. That's when a lonely, fat girl, who was sitting in the corner by herself, introduced herself to me... "HI! I'm Zoe! Do you go to URI too!"

"No."

"Oh, okay!"

I looked her up and down. Her white t-shirt, navy jeans, brown cowboy boots and ugly, pink scarf just didn't work for her. I tried to be nice. "I... like your scarf. Where did you get it?"

"I don't know!"

Zoe didn't bother to continue making conversation with me, so I turned around to face Ben. I heard, "HI! I'm Zoe!" three separate times after my encounter with her. Having grown tired with these antics, it was time to set up in the living room, where the real fun started.

I sat down next to the boy, my arm around his shoulder. We sat with his friend Michaela and a boy she brought. Rich sat to my side and we were casually talking... when Zach found his way to the living room.

"WHEN HAVING SEX, YOU MUST ALWAYS USE A PROPHYLACTIC," he drunkenly announced. Alcohol + College Student who doesn't ever drink = Hot Mess.

I pulled out my Blackberry and texted Maria: "Kid at party is preaching about proper condom use. Want to die."

The tirade continued. "YOU KNOW," Zach started, "I HAVE NEVAH GOTTEN ASS EVAH."

My eye began to twitch.

"Benjamin, how do you get the boys?" he asked, looking at us. I may or may not have found myself getting more and more possessive with my arm around Ben as the conversation went on. "When you're dahncing, what is it you do? How do you do it?"

Ben looked at me with a smile on his face. Earlier in the afternoon, we had been practicing our dance moves in the dorm room. He held me and we swung our hips around, dancing like fools. I looked at him and asked, "Are you having a 'Wedding Singer' moment?" The Adam Sandler movie was all that came to mind in that moment where we were doing that ridiculous dance.

He turned to look at me. "What?"

"You know, there's the part where the old man is dancing and he goes, 'It's all in the hips... It's all in the hips...'"

So Ben looked at Zach and told him, "It's in the hips."

"IT'S IN THE 'IPS?! BLOODY 'ELL!" he exclaimed. "What is it, then?"

I chimed in, "'It' is just what's in the hips."

Zach nodded knowingly, totally buying the bullshit we were feeding him. The topic didn't last long, however. He looked to the other end of the couch and said, "'Ello, Miss! I don't know you! I'm Zach!"

"...I'm Michaela."

"MICHAELA, IT'S LOVELY TO MEET YOU. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF ART?"

At this point, it was 1 a.m., I was sober because I had to drive home, I had a caffeine headache, and I just couldn't take the awkward moments anymore. Ben got our fleeces from downstairs and we, along with Rich and Zach, piled into the car to go home.

I didn't turn the music on. I started the car, grabbed Ben's hand and drove back to school. The two in the backseat were going on and on about only God knows what. I tuned it out until we got back to campus and we saw a group of kids headed back to the dorms.

"You know," Zach said, "I bet they had their faces in other people's faces tonight! I told a boy tonight that he was cute... But he was with his girlfriend."

Ben squeezed my hand. I almost thought it was cute, until I realized it was a "Please don't tear him a new, less socially awkward asshole" squeeze. All I got out was a groan when Zach patted me on the shoulder.

"DON'T WORRY, JAMES! I THINK YOU'RE CUTE TOO!"

Not only was this kid delusional, he didn't know my name. Luckily, the dynamic duo lived in a different building and we were able to drop them off and have some alone time back at the dorms. We opened up the fridge and looked at its contents.

"Do you want a drink?" Ben asked me.

"After that? I need one."

This blog is called "Hot Mess" because the concept sums up my life. This story is no exception.