Tales From the Crypt (of Customer Service)

For anyone looking for an easy job that pays well, customer service isn't the right career path. As I approach my fourth year of dealing with angry, whiny clientele and part-time status, I've seen some wild things and met all kinds of crazy people.

The weird thing? I wouldn't give it up for anything in the world.

Picture this: First day on the job as a movie theater rep.

"Okay, ma'am," I said as I handed a bag of popcorn and several sodas to the guest at the counter. "Your total is seventeen dollars."

She looked at me incredulously in response. "You have to PAY?!"

***

It sounds terrible, but dealing with language barriers makes me wanna take my own life. It's not a matter of racism, it's the awkward moment where you have to politely let your customer know you don't understand what the fuck they're saying because they've just gotten off the boat and are incredulous that you don't carry Curry-flavored soda.

One day, I answered the phone. "Hi, this is Corey, how may I help you?"

"Yes, I want to see E-Wall and Wanted," a man with a thick accent replied.

"Sir, do you mean Wall-E and Wanted?"

"Yes, I want to see E-Wall and Wanted."

"...Okay, well, we don't have those movies. We have Batman, but it's sold out."

"Okay, fine, but when are E-Wall and Wanted playing?"

"Sir, we do NOT have those movies."

"When are they playing?"

It was at this moment that I knew customer service was not the career path for me. But I still come back for more. I'm a glutton for punishment.

***

Furniture's even trickier.

"Hi, this is Corey, how may I help you?"

"I have your delivery drivers here, and I'm NOT letting them leave," an obviously angry woman snapped at me.

"...Excuse me?"

"THEY BROUGHT THE WRONG BED."

"What's wrong with it?"

"They brought a black footboard and a RED HEADBOARD." The woman continued screaming at me, and I had to hold the phone away so she didn't hear me laughing at her. She then went on to demand, "You better get in a truck and bring me the right bed!"

Okay, lady, I'm gonna go hop in a truck and bring you a brand new bed to your summer home in South Buttfuck. I'll get right on that.

***

My favorite job so far has been being a greeter. I like talking to people. ...Well, some people.

One day, I saw an old lady sitting on a bench. She looked kind of confused and lonely, so I approached her. "Ma'am, are you finding everything alright?"

"Oh yes, but sonny, come here a second!"

I cautiously inched closer. "...Yes?"

"Are you on the Jay Leno Show? You're that fella, Ross! The gay fella!"

"Yes, you caught me. I left showbusiness to greet people on a Saturday night for $9 an hour."

People are really dumb.