Tracy Turnblad is an Asshole.

I was driving into the lawyers' office the other morning, lost in thought. I bitch about traffic, but I secretly love long drives in the morning during rush hour, because it's a good time to decompress and think about everything going on in my life.

As I approached the exit that would FINALLY take me off the Expressway (Sidenote: Why do they call it the "Expressway" when it's so God damn slow?!), "Without Love" from Hairspray started playing through my iPod. I sang Zac Efron's part, believing myself to be within his vocal range, and also wanting to have rabid monkey sex with him.

Then my thoughts turned to the story's plot: Tubby girl who can sing has crush on pretty boy in her high school (Story of my life!). And it got me thinking... Especially about the lyrics: "Tracy I'm in love with you / No matter what you weigh."

Zac Efron... is full of shit. It's my experience that fat chicks are inherently miserable and like to attach themselves to popular gay guys (Story of my life... again!). Was Link Larkin a chubby chaser? Furthermore, why should I believe that Link and Tracy would STAY together after their "happy ending?" They're FIFTEEN years old! That shit won't last past the summer... Link will dump Tracy for someone skinner. Then she'll eat ice cream and cry.

***

I found myself sitting on the couch a few weeks ago. It was the first night of summer vacation. While some reveled in the unusually warm, spring air and got their booze on, I was eating ice cream and watching "He's Just Not That Into You..." Alone.

This film has become a staple in my repertoire. Mostly due to an unfortunate incident involving a final project for Studio TV Producion II.

***

One of the class' professors handed me a script. "Corey! You'll be directing two scenes from 'He's Just Not That Into You.'"

Ashleigh piped up, "Professor, that's perfect! Because that's the story of Corey's life!"

I think it sucks that people like me live for these small moments of male attention. We just want to be loved and love in return. And when that opportunity seemingly presents itself, it turns out it was never really there at all.

I had a confrontation with a prospective suitor who took me out on the town, introduced me to his friends, and opened his home to me. I asked him, "Did monogamy die and I didn't get the memo? I don't think it's so much to ask to be doted on by ONE person and not have to worry about him following his cock to greener pastures."

Am I right? Or does this concept not exist anymore?